Rocks in My Socks

Rocks in My Socks…...
Ever have one of those weeks where you feel like the little kid who has put rocks in their socks and cant figure out why it hurts??
Sometimes in life we make decisions that continue to haunt us sometimes years after we have broken the chains of them….
This week has been one of those for me.
I always wonder how decisions made by someone else can so rock the worlds that we have fought and struggled to create for ourselves. This is one of those questions like people ask of God. I always hate it when people ask God why he does things to them. I could've screamed that about a million times this week, but I know that there was no greater power up there pointing his finger at me and bellowing "YOU!!!! YOU ARE MY TARGET THIS WEEK."
I know that these things happened because of the who the man I chose to marry 11 years ago is… and whom after we separated I still wanted the best for so I didn't completely walk away. I know who this man is and I know what he creates in this life of mine and my son. And yet I still have ties to him with this mixed up notion that he is the Father of my child and for that very reason he deserves some golden Emmy or something. It's just not true. It's time for me to realize that I am the only one fighting for his rights and for his life to be on a better path. He is too consumed by whatever it is that runs through his head that blinds him from seeing that he has the most beautiful souled child in the world looking at him with love. And that child deserves so much more than the things he is offering him in his "70 percent of the time right" mind.
At what point in our lives do we make the distinction that we do not follow the sins of our Fathers? Or, of our Mothers? Where in the handbook is it written that you are no longer at the mercy of your past and you now take control of your future? Why do some people see it clear as day and others can't get past the disappointment of their past? And why do some blame everything bad in their lives that they themselves have brought forth because of the "things" that happened to them in their childhood?
I feel like I am drowning in the self pity that is my ex husband. His, and not mine. If I choose to walk away from him completely Hunters and my life become lives on fire…full of possibility and full of smiles. But also I am sure full of future regret for Hunter who is always after the truth. He wants no sugar coating of anything he just wants the truth. And sometimes the truth is a hard pill to swallow.
How when I am such a dreamer is my child such a realist?
Is he my great equalizer?? Its so very possible because since the day he was born he has completely changed me forever. I do not do things I would've done before simply because of my love for him there are always two in the equation now. And, not just one. People question me and debate with me over decisions I make , but I know when they feel strong in my heart I must stand up to them because I lose myself each and every time I follow someone else's path for me.
And the moment I walk away from whatever someone else thinks should be right for me and follow my heart my life becomes wide open and strong and looking towards the sun again. My eyes are forward again even though I do not know what will happen over the next few weeks..whether Jeff will regain his health. Or whether the new role I have to take in my professional life will change the world as I know it to be…But..what I do know is I am following my heart and my intuition…and therefore everything in front of me is mine…and I own it.
Destiny lies in the dreams we follow not in the ones we leave behind.