Running in Mud

We write we live we create to be mortal or immortalized. We pour our hearts and our imaginations out into words so that we will be remembered and captured for the future whether it be for our children, our friends, or for complete strangers we want to feel as if our lives and our thoughts have meaning and someone made them important enough to stop for a minute and ponder them or that they can change someones life. ( I believe that is why I do it…to make someone stop and think what they could do better..where they could touch someone elses lives and therefore make theirs more. Also because I like to feel like I have a voice in this life…and then there is the fact that I feel better when I express myself.)
Wouldn't Life would be so good if we could freeze time..time when we were happy, time when we were loved. Time when everything made sense. Time when our children were little and carefree. Time when alls you had to do was smile and their whole lives were easier and simple. A time when you looked at things and everything looked rosier and more manageable.
I still look at the world and know its conquerable, some days I feel like I am conquering it alone though..is this not what life is about? Am I running in mud trying to get others to push the limits….push their passion, push their goals and attitudes..what they want out of life… how can someone have no goals?? No spirit for what they can accomplish or be? My mind is boggled by it. Some days its unimaginable that I have so many people who are so dependent on my decisions and how I choose to live..but I have stepped onto this path and I have to follow it where I plan for it to be. There is no turning back.
And why is it that my dreams and goals are misunderstood? Can people not look at me and read me like a book? No….actually they don't seem to. I think its impossible to want too much out of life. I believe if you speak it and dream it ….it is a possibility. I realize not everyone has the same dreams as me..and I try to wrap my mind round the possibility of a life less lived…a dream not dreamed…a heart that is caged..but for me it cant be. I am less being less. My heart is broken and sullied by the mud I run in. and I am ready to free my dirty heart and mend it.
But still so many find themselves tracing footsteps that may have washed away. Hoping to regain and renew and capture those thoughts and feelings that can never be recovered. The ones of course who have made them who they are…but none the less gone but for memory's sake. We hold onto old loves…loves that should've been but they just weren't the love that was supposed to be yours. We hold onto lives that we feel should have been simply because those are the choices we have made. When our hearts cry from our chests that something just isn't what it is supposed to be but we hide behind the "choice" the humiliation of facing the ones that we love and opening our own doors to happiness. We grasp at straws and make excuses for how things are instead of how we can make them. A love lost…is a love lost. Once a love has been damaged or lost or forsaken it is forever changed. It can never be the fragile precious thing it once was. It has to be tended to and treated as the most fragile of things. Once the feeling is gone it is gone forever. We may mourn the loss of it and recreate it in our minds but it will never be what it once was.
I think that is the same thing as a dream…it is a dream for a reason…it's a footstep to your destiny. It's a way to realize where it is your eyes should be facing. And which direction your feet should be moving towards. And a place where your broken heart can live and mend and go forward.
In the end the past may be all most people have. But not me…I plan to plant my eyes forward onto the possibilities of what can be and what will be. Living in the past does me no favors and every time I do my heart starts to break for the time that should've been, could've been…..or shouldn't have been.
Sometimes nothing is how it should be but we hold onto what we need it to be. And that is the saddest destiny of all. I wont live that anymore.
My life and my dreams are about to soar I am done running in the mud with my spiked heels getting stuck so deep it stops me dead in my tracks. I will be running with my feet on wings not on the solid ground where mud and roots and holes abound. There will be no stopping me once my mind is made up. I plan to be immortalized by not only my writings but the way I lived my life so that others can live their lives better also.